Here’s a tip for you

I am going to sound like World’s Worst Wife for even putting a humorous spin on this story.

I assure you that it was NOT funny at the time but in the years the followed, we were able to laugh about it – and even if Rob wasn’t laughing, we could stand on his left side and laugh AT him instead of WITH him!

Let me set the scene.

Fall 2016.

Evening – time for Rob to shower and get ready for bed before an early start to his work day the next morning.

I am sitting on the bed reading as he is in the shower.

Try to visualize this as I describe it. I feel like it might be funnier that way.

When his shower is over, Rob comes out of the bathroom with one towel wrapped around his waist and another hung over his left shoulder.

He walked towards me on the bed with a Q-Tip stuck in his ear. He must have heard something outside because he walked over to the window to look out.

In the meantime, the only explanation for what happens next is that he forgot he had that Q-Tip in his ear.

The towel on his shoulder started to slip so he aggressively shrugged his shoulder up high to rehike the towel.

Unfortunately, the towel hit the ground and the Q-Tip, which had been hit by said aggressively raised shoulder, was RAMMED into his ear.

He screamed the most high pitched yell I have ever heard. I have definitely never heard such a soprano sound come out of Rob’s body! Simultaneously, he fell to his knees.

All of this happened so quickly, I was not even sure what had happened until, wide-eyed, he pulled the Q-Tip out!

Poor guy – at this point, the story is not funny to us yet (but it will be).

I told him we had to go to emerge but, of course, in true pre-cancer Rob form, he refused to have anything to do with a hospital visit.

So, being the good wife that I am/was, I went to Web MD because we all know that’s where all the answers are.

I googled What to do for a punctured ear drum.

We tried all of the “home remedies”, also known as “options for those who refuse proper medical care”: we placed a waterproof silicone earplug or cotton ball coated with petroleum jelly in his ear, we heated a mug and put it against his ear to create suction (I know! Total voodoo) and we did whatever Dr. Internet said was a good idea.

You will be astounded to hear that nothing worked.

I finally convinced him to go to a doctor who promptly referred him to an Ear/Nose/Throat specialist!

She said that there was a hole in his ear drum that corresponded in size with the tip of his Q-Tip. Of course, at that point, we got the lecture about not using Q-Tips in your ear.

I get it. BUT – if Q-Tips are not meant for your ear, they should be marketed vastly differently. Who among us has NOT used a Q-Tip in our ear?

So, they booked a surgery date for Rob that he was NOT happy about. He said that he would just leave it but the hearing tests that they performed indicated that he was hearing in his left ear at 30% capacity.

That, coupled with the fact that his LISTENING capacity was often LESS than 30%, did not work for ME so surgery it was!

Yes! I went into the surgery with him. This was the only way that I would hear about post-surgery expectations. Otherwise, he would come out and say, “It’s all good. There is no follow up”.

• Above was just the pre-op examination. I didn’t get to go in for the actual surgery.

They had to take a piece of skin from his ear lobe and make that the “patch” that would cover his ruptured ear drum. According to the doctor, it was a fairly “simple, routine” procedure (for her maybe, not for Rob!) and it would take about 20 minutes. She asked if he wanted local anesthetic or to be knocked out completely.

Next came the decision that he sorely regretted later. He decided local was fine. I would have said “Knock me out for the surgery and four days after as well!” I tried to convince him to change his mind but he would not. I am pretty sure this later turned into an “I told you so” situation but not immediately.

The day of surgery arrived and I was sitting in the waiting room watching the Live Time colour coded screen that tells you when Patient # _ _ _ is being prepped, when they are in surgery and when they are in recovery.

I was always more nervous when Rob was having a procedure than when I was in myself but was relieved when, on the screen, his colour turned to “In Surgery”. In my head, I was saying “OK – it will be over in 20 minutes.”

30 minutes later – still in surgery.

One HOUR later – still in surgery.

90 minutes later – still in surgery. By this point I am literally sweating and panicking!

After 2 hours, which is 100 minutes longer than predicted, he was marked as “In Recovery”. I was expecting the doctor to come out and explain why it had taken so long but she never did.

Instead, Rob came into the waiting room looking very flustered, beet red and sweating profusely. He quickly scanned the room, saw me and said, very tersely, “Let’s go!” and didn’t even wait for me to catch up to his 6’4″ long-legged strides. I caught up with him in the hallway and he explained it was the worst procedure ever and that he needed to get to the car before he passed out.

Yikes.

Apparently, since it was only supposed to take 20 minutes, they administered local anesthetic accordingly. The trouble was, it took longer so it wore off. He said the doctor had to re-administer it FOUR TIMES. She knew it was time for more when he jumped as she inserted tools deep into the cavity of his ear – apparently, that indicated that the freezing was gone! Very scientific.

His eardrum looked like a butcher job and he had discomfort in his ear for a long time.

He did return for one post-op hearing test at which time she said the improvement wasn’t as remarkable as she had expected or hoped for so she was going to “go in for another procedure”. This time, there was NO convincing him that that was a good plan and he never returned.

For the rest of his life (which only turned out to be another 4 years), he faithfully used the excuse “But I have a hole in my eardrum” whenever I nagged him about not listening. Which, of course, was accompanied by the infamous Rob smile / smirk because we both knew it was still more of a case of not LISTENING than not HEARING.

Lesson learned? Do NOT use Q-Tips in your ears. And if you do, use them standing still and completely naked or fully clothed – no stage in between.